“It is only that people are far more different than is pretended. All over the world men and women are worrying because they cannot develop as they are supposed to develop. Here and there they have the matter out, and it comforts them. Don’t fret yourself, Helen. Develop what you have; love your child. I do not love children. I am thankful to have none. I can play with their beauty and charm, but that is all — nothing real, not one scrap of what there ought to be. And others — others go farther still, and move outside humanity altogether. A place, as well as a person, may catch the glow. Don’t you see that all this leads to comfort in the end? It is part of the battle against sameness. Differences — eternal differences, planted by God in a single family, so that there may always be colour; sorrow perhaps, but colour in the daily grey.”
Finally completed Howards End tonight, because part of being depressed is being unable to make myself do things that give me deep pleasure, like reading or writing. Surface pleasures only — iphone games, certain kinds of pop music, comedy, television, the internet — have touched me. Which isn’t entirely true, either. Other kinds of pop music have also touched me, because that’s my “field,” I guess, even though a handful of solipsistic and badly-structured essays don’t exactly make a career.
The other reason it’s taken me a while is that the book takes a lot out of me. The Great Gatsby I can appreciate for the perfect little jewel setting it is; Brideshead Revisited I can revisit dispassionately, in subdued awe at my early love for it; but Howards End is still deeply part of me, and hits harder every time I come back. E. M. Forster had his faults — which mostly boil down to “he was an upper-class Englishman in the early 20th century” — but when I can’t go for ten pages without encountering a sentence which neatly and accurately pins me, still wriggling, to a note-card and gives my family name and phylum below (this is an entomology metaphor), it can be difficult to want to look so steadily and so whole at my own reflection.
Anyway. This is just a mile-marker. I’m hoping in the interests of speed that the next book I pick up is less perceptive about the human condition.
